Forum Thread

So this is just gonna be a dumb little thing where I'll vent all my thoughts about stupid feelings instead of doing that in my feed starting with the last feed I wrote.

I hate when I start liking someone new. I get so easily attached to anyone who shows the slightest bit of interest in me. I get so clingy and I thought that maybe taking almost 2 years break of dating id get better at being less clingy and so easily attached but I guess that's not the case I'm dumb

I know it's nothing that I should be ashamed of but I still hate the fact that I'm extremely clingy. I feel the need to talk to him a lot, which I know is pretty normal when people like each other or when their dating. And I know he does like me cos he said when he comes to my city, that he'd wanna go on a date but he still lives hours away and I know long distances relationships re hard to maintain. So o guess this is mostly just me worried about getting attached to someone cos I so used to all my relionships failing. Holy crap rant done lol I needed to get this off my chest!

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Title: Depressed again :/

So a lot of people in the winter months tend to get more depressed then usual, but I'm the opposite. When the warmer months come along, I feel more depressed. I haven't exactly felt like this for a long time now and I really hope it doesn't stick.

It's like my other post, when I get feelings for someone new, all my emotions go up for whatever reason. So I feel more depressed then usual, more anxious then usual, and sometimes happier then usual. It's why I stopped dating back in 2015. I gave myself 2 years to see if I'd change but I haven't and I guess I just have to deal with that.

Also in regards to that guy, I feel like things aren't gonna work out. We've got very little in common but we still do try and talk but sometimes the conversations feel a little forced. He thinks we can work through it at some point but I doubt it. He doesn't ever talk to me first so it gives the impression that he doesn't really like me as much as he said he does.

Idk hopefully tomorrow I'll be feeling better!

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So I woke up this morning to my dad telling me that he's taking my mom to the hospital. I first thought it was because of her back, since she's been having problems the past few days. But when they came home, they told me she had another kidney/urinary track infection. :/

So about that guy I spok about before; he hasn't tried to talk to me since April 22nd and it's obvious that he clearly didn't care about actually being in a relationship, much less a friendship. It sucks and I still feel really sad and down about it all. Having feelings and emotions is stupid and you shouldn't have them. Most of the time all that happens is you feel hurt just because nothing happens.

Also yesterday I randomly incountered my ex on twitter. We hadn't spoken since 2013 and I saw his tweet in one of those trending stories. It brought back so happy emotions but lead to being sad remembering how it all ended. But I guess that always happens when you remember you exs. Maybe someday I'll find someone. But one thing I find funny and didn't realize until my coworkers told me today is that apparently when I see an attractive guy and I'm serving him, I instantly fix my hair while talking to him and kind pose? Lol maybe one of them will give me their number, who knows haha

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Title: Happy

I'm feeling much happier then i have felt in the past couple months. I've got my computer ordered already and hopefully i'll have it either at the end of this month or early june. when i have it all set up i'll finally start streaming, the one thing i've wanted to do for the past 2 years but never did since i couldn't afford a computer for it. i could have used this laptop but its crap and can't run proper games without a lot of lag. i haven't met any guy yet and that's okay. i feel like for now i'm done with trying to get a boyfriend. i just want to focus on my life, my work, and starting up twitch which will end up being my actual job in the next few years. or it might just stay as a hobby. who knows.

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Title: Memories

So before reading this, I want you to know it's okay to miss memories of people who you aren't friends with anymore. Wether it's because they changed for the worse or you just drifted apart.

So back in 2009, I met this girl named Ashley. We had a math class together and after a few weeks we became friends. We were always super close and would take to each other everyday and skype each other right after school. But in 2011 that changed a bit. She stopped talking to me as often and even tho we had a class together, she'd talk to other people instead of me and that kinda sucked but I just figured "hey people don't always need to hang out and talk to be friends" and I still believe that to this day. Then next 2 years was the same until we both graduated high school. After high school, we still spoke and hung out every weekend and it was great. I felt like I had my best friend back. Then in 2015 she started college. Things changed instantly. She stopped talking to me and hanging out every weekend and she said it was she was busy with school and work. One day one of our friends who was in the same classes with her asked to hang out this night and I said "oh Ashley said that you guys had a lot of homework tonight" to which she responded "Ashley dropped out of college 2 weeks after starting. And since then, I haven't spoken to her since. And I'm writing this now because I just visiated her Facebook and saw all the old pictures of me and her together, all our random pictures about inside jokes and it just made me sad. Happy about all the memories but sad that no new ones will be created again. Just felt like I needed to write all of this down.

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Title: A lot of happening very quickly

So on August 4th my parents are leaving to Portugal for 3 weeks and I'm gonna be here in Canada by myself from August 4th-23rd (on the 23rd my brother comes home from Ottawa for a week or 2). Anyways, I'm both excited to live alone but also really scared. The longest I've lived alone for had been 2 days but this is gonna be 3 whole weeks. I've never been the kind of person to want to live alone. I like having hours to myself but that's completely different. So I hope that goes well.

On that topic, I was talking to my coworker, let's call her C, about how I'm gonna be cooking a lot of food on my days off work so I have enough food to eat on the days I go to work. And my other coworker who I dislike, let's call her L, asked "oh do you know how to cook?" And I was like sure I do. I've been cooking for the past 7 years and I'm pretty good at it. And she said "oh I just thought that you not only being a guy but also someone who's turning 22 and still living at home wouldn't know how to cook. I know your people are spoiled" and my blood started boiling. I've never once been spoiled (except for when I was a baby). Everything I own is something I worked for and earned myself. Anyone who's Portuguese knows that parents are strict. They want their kids to grow up earning what they get, just like how my parents raised me. And I told her that. This is a lady who's been working here for 3 weeks and never once tried to get to know me yet is talking about me as if she knows everything about me? No, screw that. I've never been spoiled and I never want to be spoiled. Tho this happened 6 hours ago, I'm still extremely pissed off.

I'll be posting a bit more after they leave just to get out feelings. Gonna be feeling pretty down being by myself.

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Title: A lot of work

So recently ive been doing a lot more work then usual. still working a full time job (38-44 hours a week) and im streaming about 3+ days a week. its what ive been doing for the past few months. but recently i started editing videos and recording other things apart my stream. so a 14 hour day has turned into 17 hour long days... or most of them have. i don't have much time to do anything other then work now. most of my free days are spent doing twitch and youtube since none of my friends are free and the days that they are im at work and it kinda sucks. i haven't hung out with a friend offline in a long time. but at the same time im kinda happy. im happy cos im finally doing things i actually enjoy, even if that takes up most of my free time. its weird feeling both happy and sad at the same time. hopefully one day i'll be able to just do youtube and twitch and not have to worry about having a full time job too. where i can spend 10 hours doing this instead and the rest i can use to hang out with friends... but that's a far away goal. one day :)

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