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✯Ⓞⓜⓝⓘⓐ'ⓢ Ⓣⓡⓘⓝⓚⓔⓣⓢ✯
Forum-Index → Diaries → ✯Ⓞⓜⓝⓘⓐ'ⓢ Ⓣⓡⓘⓝⓚⓔⓣⓢ✯
Posted: Wed, 25/11/2015 04:25 (9 Years ago)
I'm currently burdened with the problem of planning two characters for DARP, doing my Filipino homework, trying to post in the superhero roleplay, plotting down maybe two PH roleplays I so so so so want to do, and planning my characters for the aforementioned. Let's not delve deeper into my psyche and panic over my whole DARP-CHB quitting problem. I don't need another crying session, thanks.
I love roleplaying. Expressing it in human, simpleton words seems to do it no justice, but "I love roleplaying" is as close as I can get to a heartfelt confession that doesn't transition into cockamamie driveling (like it always does.) It just sucks that I falter with every obstacle represented to me. you're going down...no one interferes with a currently projectile-vomiting-creativity blue mudsheep Omnia without getting hurt...
Never matter! I saw this earlier while prodding around with my personality type, and can I just say that it is so freakishly accurate and private that I want to cry? This slammed the nail right on the head...and just <3 Now I know why it's so easy to understand other people's emotions, and why I self-reference so much before I catch myself....
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Thu, 24/12/2015 07:47 (8 Years ago)
LOUD SCREAMING COMMENCE. EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT, EEP! RIGHT ON DECEMBER 24! <3 The hunt for 100 shiny kips is onnnn~
??? Shiny Hunt, #258 Mudkip
Nicknamed None yet.
#168 Shiny Mudkip on-site!
Chain: #130
Obtained from: Daycare
Hatched on: 24/12/2015, 3:20 PM (+8 UTC)
Gender: Male
Nature: Quirky
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Sun, 24/01/2016 06:19 (8 Years ago)
That was relatively shorter than last time... ewe :3
??? Shiny Hunt, #258 Mudkip
Nicknamed None yet.
#196 Shiny Mudkip on-site!
Chain: #121
Obtained from: Daycare
Hatched on: 1/2/2016, 1:06 PM (+8 UTC)
Gender: Male
Nature: Naive
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Sat, 27/02/2016 00:54 (8 Years ago)
PYRRHA NIKOS IS DEAD. WHOEVER HAS A PILLOW-CONJURING SEMBLANCE SHOULD CONJURE TWO SO WE CAN CRY INTO THEM TOGETHER. OH MY JEDI. PYRRHA NIKOS, THE INVINCIBLE GIRL, IS DEAD. IF RUBY AND JAUNE END UP TOGETHER I QUIT RWBY. I WILL QUIT.
/inthedenialphase
pleasecomebackpleasecomeback. plot twist Pyrrha is the simple soul and some crap happens or something that's caused by Jaune and she comes back
DENIAL. SHE HAS TO COME BACK. *insert litany of expletives*
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Fri, 04/03/2016 02:27 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Sun, 13/03/2016 14:52 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Wed, 23/03/2016 14:47 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Sat, 26/03/2016 07:22 (8 Years ago)
• I am stuck somewhere between the beckonings of cacography and the simplicities of a blank mind.
• A loss of self-perception and the quiet unmotivation that has rendered me mentally unresponsive
• The cold air slides between the gaps of my callused fingers, sending the drops of sweat drumming a feeling into my senses, something I can't decipher, a biological Morse code that mocks my puny biligualism
• wishing for someone to talk to me and reactivate the lone dot of focus that has fallen along with the room temperature
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Sat, 26/03/2016 07:37 (8 Years ago)
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Tue, 12/04/2016 00:22 (8 Years ago)
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Sun, 15/05/2016 15:33 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Sun, 29/05/2016 16:04 (8 Years ago)
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Mon, 30/05/2016 15:21 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Mon, 06/06/2016 04:56 (8 Years ago)
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Sun, 12/06/2016 03:19 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Sun, 12/06/2016 17:03 (8 Years ago)
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Posted: Wed, 11/10/2017 13:59 (7 Years ago)
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It's one of those moments when everyone is asleep and I'm just crying my entire soul out. I just went back to that really old poem of mine; there's a part of me wondering how I could ever have written something that expresses such a silly feeble hope of mine.
I don't know how to act anymore around old friends out of fear that they'll leave me. They'd have every right to.
I want to scream but I know I shouldn't and I can't. Looks like it's going to be another night letting salt accumulate on my pillow. My chest is actually dramatically tight and it's hard to breathe and hold the loud annoying sobs in.
AHAHAAHAHAHAH all I ever wanted to be was not to lie when I say I'm okay and I'm fine. Yet a lot about me has changed and that's the only thing that more or less didn't.
I'm so sorry. I'm so freaking sorry. I thought I could do it alone but I'm too weak to do it. I want to ask for help but I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to be a burden more than I already am.
And those times, when I wanted to die so badly, I was too cowardly to do it. Because I'm really messed up; because I don't want anyone to get hurt if I did stop breathing; because my relief isn't worth another weight on someone's shoulders. If that freaking pill that killed you without anyone ever finding out existed, I would take it and I wouldn't say sorry because I'm a selfish little ****.
I just found this bipolar sheet on tumblr and even though it's hardly related i remembered Nastya crying over the anorexia tag on tumblr which led to me remembering about crying during that time when I came across a link on mental help
dad came in while i was typing this and ii was almost crying and i had to stop right in the middle and pretend i was fine and he started on about how i'm not doing my homework again and i DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SUPPOSED TO DO OKAY I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I HAVE NO FREAKING MOTIVATION AND I'M SO STUPID fudge fudge consarn it all what the freaking hell is even wrong with me
I'M SORRY OKAY I'M SORRY I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT THESE STUPID EMOTIONS OR ELSE I CAN'T DO ANYTHING I'M SO FREAKING SORRY
edit: wishing i wasn't me wishing i didn't have feelings wishing i nevr existed wishing wishing wishing wishing wishing WHAT IS THE POINT OF CRYING ANYMORE STOP CRYING STOP CRYING DAD'S IN THE OTHER ROOM AND HE MIGHT WALK IN THE MIDDLE OF IT JUST STOP JUST STOP FEELING HOW HARD IS THAT WHY CAN'T YOU BE NORMAL
i'm a mess again no surprises there.
earlier and for a moment, I was wondering what would happen if I swallowed all my vitamin pills at the same time. This was probably just a silly, stupid notion because I doubt I'd die. probably will just puke all of them out because the body rejects the stuff or something.
Part of me just wants help so badly but the majority is winning out and telling me that I probably don't even deserve it + I shouldn't burden people. ahahahahahah i'm so screwed. i'm selfish and i'm a coward. some things just don't ever change.
when you don't know what to do first because you're out of time this day and it's pretty much goodbye for real. i'm really not sure how long i've been crying but yeah. i'm going to miss everything and everyone. wondering how long i'll last. clinging to that last sliver of hope that they might change their mind. i'm just being my overdramatic self again, haha. maybe this is really for the best. or maybe i'm going to be gone by the end of this year. i don't know what's relief anymore. blasting music in my ears to help numb everything. but either way what's the point in internally screaming for help when nobody can actually save me from myself, right? what a joke i am.
okay miserable day whoop-de-do but i kinda wanna rant. to those people who shake their head at internet relationships: **** you. these "fake online friends" saved me from taking my lifeline into my own hands. you have no right to judge me for having online friends i love so much. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO JUDGE MY CHOICES IN MY LIFE AT ALL.
For a long time (probably four years now?) I've been not okay at all and I've tried to avoid putting a label on it because it feels wrong to self-diagnose (and tbh, it really is wrong.) I decided to look through mental disorders again and I'm seriously wondering if I do have some form of bipolar depression. It feels kind of offensive to even think it though, since I actually am acquainted with someone who's been diagnosed with it and just... I dunno. I feel bad trying to pin this all on a mental disorder when it might in fact just be and my effed up psyche.
23 March, 2016 - 10:45 PM
Well, I can mark this as the first time I ever cried when it was hours before my birthday.
i didn't want to post anything depressing af anymore here (am i allowed to use af on ph forums i'm not sure crud) but it's been a long year and i'm a burden and all my friends are moving on w/ their lives while i'm busy being a burden and useless bahahaha crud i'm pathetic.
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Mon, 23/10/2017 05:52 (7 Years ago)
Despair is anger with no place to go.
@me: ye I promise to fix this whole diary soon but it's not like anyone except you reads it and it's a you-place anyway and... you can't do cool graphic stuff to spruce it up and that's ok. ok? OK.
Posted: Thu, 16/11/2017 10:00 (7 Years ago)
i'm glad i woke up.
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.
Posted: Wed, 29/11/2017 09:19 (7 Years ago)
Barbie: Princess and the Pauper has a song that speaks to transgender people and I'm forever screaming about this and singing it to my trans friends.
Buying Normal Gems and Water Gems.