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Nox's Diary
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Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 15:58 (2 Years ago)
Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 16:02 (2 Years ago)
Safety Exit
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The last resort
A room that isn't full of doom and gloom
Where the butterflies dont have teeth
And my stomach isnt torn to shreds
No crocodile tears to be shed
Apparently I know what I've done
What I've been forced to become
It wont cater to my needs
Tape it up
Lock the door
You cant go to that room anymore
You're expected to do more
But I need to escape
Must form a chronic routine
Something to keep me safe and sound
Something to keep these words from bruising my skin
Pounding in my chest
Hearing false alarms
My amygdala has shut down
You've exceeded my time limit
I cant deal with fools anymore
I'm the pasts creation yes
But what about my future
I need a muse not a monster
For I am like a house of cards
One wrong move and I'll fall
Fail just like they want me to
So I form an illusion
A simple delusion
Just to keep weary eyes from peering at this meek disguise
I need a safety exit
Not a hazardous route
This beast inside has created a monstrous room
Bright red
Flashing lights
Nobody knows what goes on inside
It isnt safe
But its home
A home to the deadly unknown
Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 16:05 (2 Years ago)
December
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What a cheerful thought
Havent wrote a rhyme
Not in a while
Not for you
Not for a dime
It defeats the purpose
Shaking my coin purse
I'll buy another soda
Maybe two
Maybe three
Another cold day
Another light fog
Was there really any trouble?
Did I really need help?
Stat?
On the double?
Am I alone?
Can you hear me through the screen?
My lights are a little dim
They'll be brighter soon enough
Just need to remove the frost and dust
And start my engine
Warm up the seats
Cant have any cold feet
It's calming
You dont believe me do you
The feelings fleeting
I was sad
Now I dont remember
Things didnt get better
But it's just another day in december
A dull day
No feeling of dismay
It's odd to finally feel this way
But I'm not better
And I'm not sure what to do
I'll talk your ears off
And it feels like it reflects back at me
The screen is anything but fragile
It feels like bricks
A stone wall
Threatening to topple over and fall
Maybe it'll crush me
Then I'll be dead
That being said
I don't really care
I've gotten used to my despair.
Gift
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Sing a little tune
Make a blue morning
Paint it in a monochrome hue
It isn't hard
Cute little words
A warming little tune
Exhaust from a car
Wouldn't get me very far
Just a gift
A way out of this doom and gloom
Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 16:15 (2 Years ago)
Count
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One
Two
Then four
Skip the expected
Critical damage
My health is now drawing near the negative
I cant fight back
My head cant swim
This water rises
And the light grows dim
Torn apart
Let it go
I'm not perfect
My connection's severed
I've hit a new low
Friends disconnected
Can't bear to let anyone know
Three
Six
Pick up my sticks
And the stones to throw
This is a glass house that you've created
Just so you know.
Eight
Sixteen
Back when I lived my life
Before I knew it was a dream
The hellscape I'd give
To go back to what i'd seen
Hows it supposed to feel
Mediocre, I could have a slice of cake
Hit play
Spend and waste another day
Ten
Twenty
Where do I see myself today?
Not anywhere in the future, I'd say
Spinning 360 degrees
Round and round a carousel
I'm pacing like a caged animal
Shocked by shapes and sounds
To be gawked at and mocked
Makes my thoughts go down a red and bleak route
Zero
A number
Back to the start
I've amounted to nothing
A welcomed surprise.
Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 16:19 (2 Years ago)
Snow
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Stay awake
Pass out
Rehearse
Loss of time
I'm okay
Theres no pain
A quiet maiming
Broken
A cold, grey winter weather
It all seems so still
Each delicate snowflake
Made to break and melt
Cold and alone
I've got nowhere to go
Nowhere to be
But I walk
I have to keep moving
Or this chill will break my bones
Melt my heart
And kill my head
Overload
This cold unknown
It's misunderstood
And I'm miles away from home
But no-ones seems to know yet.
Held back
Loss of direction
The white fog covers all paths
The pain that it brings
Is numbing yet still
Alarming.
Get up
Stay on track
Everything behind me is covered
Too late to retrace my steps
wake up
again another cold night
Doubting eyes
Missing younger summer years
This is the final winter
It's been never-ending
I dont wish to understand it
Or all these fears
Sometimes the anger
Or the self hatred
Questioning why I walk
Why I chase something that isn't in sight
Alas my final fear
My seventh sin
Is the lack of drive
I cannot pursue my dreams
I refuse to be productive
All I can do is walk
All my worth is placed in these steps
The day I topple over
The day the exhaustion
The dreary cold
The nothingness
When it wins
Maybe I'll smile
Because I'm surely not trying
I've lost the alarm bells
They were tied to my chest
My light was buried in the snow
I've given it the upper hand
And yet it still lets me go
I'm done asking why
Knowing I'm on borrowed time
Maybe it will answer
Maybe this winter has an end
It isn't healthy
I know my habits have yet to change
But the wind too has remained the same
It feels like a dream
But I've already slept
To wake up again would be pointless
An endless fight
In an endless night
The one thing I know
That one thing that has been written in stone
That there is no credit
None given to those that walk alone
Hoping the snow will guide them home.
Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 16:25 (2 Years ago)
Point
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Add it to the list
Check it twice
I cant help it
Point and laugh
You told me so
Anything to shut me up
Close every door
When another opens
Just cover it up with a cord
Choke out my thoughts
My creativity
Inspiration
Still adding more to the list
Pressing down with the ink
Tear the paper with the point
Your ideas
Your life
Cuts made with an invisible pen
All the ink splotches in my brain
Insufferable child
Marketable mayhem
You've made your point
Checked it twice
What a wreck
What a mess
Figured I'd burn the paper
Theres no list
What was your point
I could check again
But I'm sure I'd rather die
Posted: Fri, 01/07/2022 16:40 (2 Years ago)
Time
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Tock
Tick
Tock
My name is written right on that clock
Smash it to bits
There go my thoughts
Ten thousand an hour
All wrapped up in wires
Cluttered
Cant keep up
Time
Time
Time
It's all I need
Running short
At break neck pace
Slow down
Speed up
Cant regulate
Seconds
Minutes
Hours
I stare at my plate
Feel it come to a stop
The thought
Drawing a blank
I need to get up
I need to get going
Moving too slow
Gotta get up
Cannot be late
Feel my heart race
With the ticking clock's sped up pace
Cant sit still
Keep moving
Keep moving
Scared
I wanna go home
Chest tightening
My face whitening
The minute hand ticks
Hamster on a wheel
I cant stop
Everyone talks
Distractions
Distractions
Distractions
Fun
This isn't fun
I feel like I'm going numb
Too much around me
Their clocks dont stop
They keep spinning
And spinning
Its spinning
Stop spinning
Spinning
Spinning
Spinning
Steady pace
Mine alternates
Slow spinning
Fast spinning
Which hand means what
It's all a blur
Gotta get up
Cannot be late
I cant stomach what's on my dinner plate
Theres no time
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
The stress of my racing clock
Body keeps moving
No energy remaining
Rush
Rush
Rush
Gotta go
Gotta go
Cant stop for breaks
Everyone will know
Lazy
Hazy
What's wrong with me
Chest aches
Heavy weights
I cant do it
What do I do
Rush
Rush
Rush
Push away the thoughts
Cant carry them out
Times running out
What about yesterday?
Wasting time
Stop thinking
Focus
Focus
Focus
Shut up
Nobody will stop
Time keeps going
I'm wasting it
What am I doing
I need to work harder
I need to keep going
I can't
Overwhelmed
Thrown to the ground
Trip over the glass
Pick up the metal bat
Smash the clocks
I want them to stop
Why wont they stop
It's already done
Stop thinking
Stop it
Shut up
You're so loud
Stupid decisions
No time
Rush
Stop thinking
I hate it here
Shut up
Cant be late
Their clocks keep spinning
Can't stop for breaks
Everyone will know
Delete
Delete
Succeed
Delete
Delete
I've gotten cold feet
Get away
Get away
Gotta go
Rush rush
Cant be late
Work harder
Tighten my grip
Smash the clock to bits
Angry
Frustrated
Scared
Fine.
This is fine
Clocks spin
All of them keep spinning
I can't win
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Problems
Bare with the problems
Crazy world
Cant take a break
Rush
Rush
Its spinning
The world keeps spinning
Lack drive
Cant get behind a wheel
The car I'd never steal
What about yesterday
Theres no time
My seconds
Minutes
Hours
Tick
Tock
Tick
Tock
Keep moving
Focus
Work
Shut up
You're so loud
But so is the sound
Sound of my racing clock
Posted: Wed, 13/07/2022 08:05 (2 Years ago)
Tide
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A bottomless pit
A bucket with a hole that can't be filled.
Why do I try
When I bare no scars from the fight of my life?
Grit my teeth in a battle I must win
I'll prove my worth
I haven't thrown in the towel just yet
This god complex is my anaesthesia
I may not feel human
But at most I'm a machine
I can work for days without food or sleep
I can function without meeting all of my needs
Is that not what I should be?
I don't need check ins
I'm fairing quite well
Though If I leave my bed
Take that step forward
The leaps in my logic will shine instead
The glass is half empty
My battery is nearly drained
Everythings falling apart
Right into place
For this demon it's fine
My coffin has already been made
I'm living with a due date
A personal one that I've made
Because I know my worth
But the debts I've earned
They have yet to be paid
This fight can only go on for so much longer
But i'll hold on for you
Because I know how much I can withstand
Though once this dark wave crashes
I'm sure that's all it'll take.