Forum Thread

So first of... Hello. I'm known as Uphir here.

Few tidbits of who I am...

My favorite color is Teal.

My favorite animal is both a fox and a mouse, but frogs, and turtles are just as adorable.

My favorite sport is hockey, but you won't see me sit down and watch sports... I'd rather make art than watch a ball/puck go from one end of the field to the other.

My favorite pass time is artwork, reading, gaming, writing all the normal introvert activities.

My favorite time of day is dusk.

My favorite Anime is Hellsing.

My favorite game.... well game style is RPG. I have been told it's Minecraft and Skyrim

I'm not sure what else to put as favorites... if you wanna know any just post and I'll add it. ^-^

Thing is, though above is my favorites those things are surface level. I'm an adult who clings to their creativity, lives introvert-like and desires more than anything for my family to be proud of me. I'm clumsy, OCD, a worry wort, hard headed, stubborn, but care free, a day dreamer, confident. I am quiet, but I am well known. I speak what's on my mind, but I do try to be respectful of it. I call anyone I don't know their name by Ma'm and Sir. I laugh, I cry, I dream, I struggle, I live. I do not give up, I will never give up. Once I've set my mind to something I work till I have it. I do not cheat. I speak truthfully, even if it hurts. But most of all, I am myself.

I hope to be able to post daily something deeper about myself. I've been through foster care, and have lived a large portion of my life in a situation no one should ever be in, let alone a child.

If you've been there, you know. If you're still there, hang on.
~Plumb, Nice Naive and Beautiful.



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IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO TALK TO ABOUT ANYTHING, SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, FAMILY ISSUES, ANYTHING DO NOT HESITATE TO TALK TO ME.
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Last but not least.... Each post is completely real, I will be speaking from my own life, because of some of the things I have been put through there WILL be things that can trigger, I will be putting those things in Spoilers with a tag on why. If the tag is something that will cause you to relapse or have any form of negative repercussions I advise you to skip that post. If you are triggered by anything weither inside or outside of a spoiler, I am here for you. ~Hugs~

If you however need/want to talk to a more professional person here is a list of hotlines or numbers you can call. Ranging from suicide all the way to bullying.

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Today, it's not even started for me. It's currently 0917, and I have a family get together at 1200. Still in my Pj's worrying about what to wear. Because of my size, Long narrow legs combined with birthing hips most jeans don't fit well, and the one pair I did have... tore. So for the past eight or nine months now, I've worn nothing but skirts. I enjoy it, gives me much more movement and it doesn't look weird to have a pattern on the bottoms. Well, apparently I've been wearing too "formal" outfits for the past while my Mum has requested I wear pants. Normally this wouldn't be an issue... but with the lack of pants I can't. She wants me to join in the Nerf war that'll more than likely ensue today, except I've never joined those.

*sighs* My anxiety is building up, because I know if I don't join in the Nerf war... which is a gun fight in essence Mama is going to give me 'The Look'. We all know too well... the 'I'm not going to say anything but I'm disappointed in you' look... I do not enjoy being shot at, in fact it's one of my PTSD triggers. It's why I've not joined at all. I am number nine/ten out of twelve kids. The only artist who doesn't understand math.

I know I'm going to be asked what I've done this year... and like the last three years it's going to be "Went to college, studied, work, church activities and spent time in the hospital." Only "New" thing this year, is I learned I'm severely allergic to Mango T_T (Which I love mango...) I know my uncle has gone to three places around the world so he's going to boast about that. One of my sisters has been given an award for her massage store, she'll boast about that. Another sister has gone through a divorce (which none of us understand why and she keeps saying 'it's not his fault, I just stopped loving him' ) So she'll talk about her new boyfriend Which I'm praying he doesn't come... I liked her husband. I have one sister and brother who are doing the unthinkable.... They've been black sheeped and all that fun stuff because of it. So that'll be shoved under the rug to avoid fights for the day. One brother who is working on buying a ring for his Gf. Two of my sisters I won't see. One I'm happy not to see. One brother is in High school. The baby, soon to graduate. One brother I've yet to meet... still won't see him, I think he's in jail. And then there's my twin. Everyone has lived their life through Facebook... Why do I want to sit there and hear them boast about their life when I am shut down for my "Boring life"?

*sighs* Most days are spent in my studio apartment, away from everyone for a reason. Not that I don't love my family, but because I'm treated like an outsider. I'm an artist, working on being an Art Therapist. Something that I have to have a PhD before I can start practicing on my own with... it's going to take time to get there. I just wish my family could see this. See the progress I am making, be proud of me for trying and not giving up yet. For being myself.


Anyways, enough complaining. Though I expect things to not be 100% fun today, it's my last Christmas get together. I love Christmas, being able to give gifts to people is one of my favorite things. I love seeing people's faces when they see what I've made. I know one of my nieces is going to be attached to my hip, "Ahuntie ****, I misseeded you!" is what she yells as she tramples me every time I come over. Her three year old little body is actually very light. I worry about her at times. Her dad is going through a rough battle for custody and she has two moms. She has three older sisters and a stepmom who fights to keep her away from me for some reason... I still haven't a clue what I've done. >_> And I went back to complaining...Sorry

This is the family who has adopted me. One thing I'm glad about is even though my family doesn't always understand my way of thinking, I'm not treated like a maid. I'm actually aloud to have fun, visit and rest at family get together. My sixteen years prier to this family, my past family, I would have had to cook the food *Grumbling* Even if I was a guest clean any messes, and all that normal stuff we all think is horrible when being a kid. Though yes, it's a lot of boo hoo, you have to work and do chores. I get that a lot. The thing people don't realize. There's a difference between "Doing chores" and being a maid. My past family, I wasn't allowed to have fun, I wasn't allowed to play, I wasn't allowed to stand around and talk to my friends or family What friends. If I burnt the food, even in the slightest or mixed up the recipes because I'm cooking for twenty and only have an hour I was publicly punished. One thing I am glad about I don't have to live in that situation anymore. I am free from that struggle.

Today will be a good day. I'm allowed to smile, I will laugh sometime today. I'll be able to give gifts, and know they will be enjoyed. Today is a brighter day. ^~^

Abuse

At age 16, two days after giving birth when I should have gone back home, I was removed from the hospital and brought to a strangers home. My foster home. Since then, I've been adopted by the family who took me in that day. I've been loved and cared for far beyond explanation. Each day is a learning lesson, I've since learned to hold my head up high. Be proud of my scars and how to talk to others.

No, every day is not sunshine and rainbows. There's still a few clouds in the sky, a few hills to climb over. But every shadow proves to sunshine. I will no longer live in fear. I am a survivor.

So... I know I said I would post daily, but ya gotta love the little thing called life. -sighs-

Right now, though I know things are going to get better I myself am struggling. I've recently found out a good friend of mine is having some major health issues, while finding out in the same week my cancer came back.

I don't want to inform my roommate, simply because I know he still thinks we're a couple even though I've been completely honest and blunt to the point a four year old would understand I do not want to be with him. I know if I told him, he would be even more attached to my hip. Acting like a big baby over it. Yes, cancer is a scary thing. This would be my third time. -sighs as she'd lower her head, taking another moment to inhale and exhale. She'd look back up at the reader- Cancer however doesn't scare me. The healing process does, but the prospect of dying doesn't. It use to. Not anymore.

Ya see, I'm a Christ Follower. I stand strong in my faith, and I know if this cancer will take my life, I'll go to Haven. I won't be in this world of pain. That's what scares me though.

If I die from this cancer, I will leave this world. Leaving this world, and going to Haven doesn't bother me. Leaving this world with everything I want to do; rescue my sisters, free other men and women from abusive situations like what I've been through, help them heal, have children of my own, raise them, see my grandbabies. Simply put I want to grow old. Live a life worth remembering, not just by my friends and family, but by the nations. I wanna be THAT person.

Now back to the here and now. I'm still strong, I caught the lump early. Doctor made it known that I have an 80% chance of survival with chemo and with the new technology it can be localized, so I shouldn't look any different during the procedure, and should be all clear by summer.

I've decided to start painting again. I hope to get at least a painting out a week. -chuckles- Though I don't know how well I'll do with that... may be a painting a month. >-< Anywho, if you're a prayin' person, please keep me in your prayers. If you're not a prayin' person, send me all those good vibes ya can. :P Thank you.

Well... update on everything that's been going on... I'm without a computer. So I'll only be posting while at work when I'm up on desk.

I go in for my first appointment with the Doctor tomorrow, after work. First set of treatments. It scares me, though I've been through this before.

I've yet to also tell my parents... we have too many children hurting. Two of my brother's are dealing with recent accidents. One work related the other because of a hit and run. Three of my sisters are struggling with other health issues, and here I am just another one to stress about. When I know what I'm dealing with is life threatening, and the others will be alright I know my parents will stress out and do everything they can for me if I inform them. The thing is though, I'm able to take care of myself, two of my siblings need my parents to help them through the legal issues as they are both Autistic.

-sighs- I have many friends helping me and supporting me. Even a couple threatened to shave off their hair if I have to do the same... I don't want them to... I enjoy playing with other's hair I would lose a comfort if they did that.


Anywho, just keep me in your prayers. Though I'm weary from lack of sleep I still have work and school to go to.

*Edited Main post added: My Bible Verse of the year, Joshua 1:9 I never new when I was randomly searching through facebook today (1/27/2016), that a this verse would hit me so hard. Making me nearly break down because of how little strength I have at the moment.

This is all I am wanting for Valentines Day.


Well.... I'll also be overjoyed to find out the cancer has faded away... That would be lovely.

Then again, I don't know... I recently found out another one of my friends, has a heart murmur and has been giving a three year tops if she doesn't get a transplant. She's not allowed to drink more than one cup of soda because it has too much caffeine. What hurts me more than anything is she has multiple people in her life who's put the news she's given them on the back burner like it's no big deal. I'm five or six months younger than her but this scares me, because she had this mind set of " Why not?" just not taking care of herself and letting her heart issue take it's course.

We had a talk yesterday, about her desire to be needed. For people to rely on her. I am one of those people I don't need anyone, but I sure in all hell want her. I want her in my wedding, I want her to be at my baby showers, I want my kids to know her as Aunt because she's always around. I do not want to be at my best friends funeral.

Saving for later.
Another saving for later

So here's a funny thing I'll look back on when the time comes. Though, for the moment I am fairly upset at a certain someone for doing this. -Sighs-

Long story short, my cat, Lynx, would not leave me alone last night. At all. I'm maybe running on half an hour to an hour of broken sleep. No coffee, no breakfast. I woke up to the alarm that tells me to leave for work, since I tend to get engrossed in a game in the morning I've learned to have an alarm to tell me to get out the door so I don't get to work late.

I believe I have made a world record this morning; I got dressed, hair brushed, teeth brushed, phone, charger, wallet, badge, paper pad, and necklace on, in three minutes. I was out that door and walking to work making it to work six minutes early.

I should be proud of this, ecstatic about this. This accomplishment, but I'm pissed. I didn't get to take down the second to last boss before work today in Majora's Mask. I know I wouldn't have been able to beat the boss this morning, never on my first try but I would have been able to refresh my memory on how the boss works so I can fight again after work. Joy's of being a gamer right? -sighs-

Good morning. Today is a new day, still a little tired, still awake some how and here I am at work, trying to return favors on the click list while smiling and nodding towards patrons who don't know what they want, and expect me to read their minds. -sighs- Hopefully soon I'll be able to get an operating system for my computer so I won't be so limited again and actually be able to play Minecraft again. Gosh I miss playing Minecraft. Just the artistic of creativity.

Anywho, I noticed today the pain seemed to have subsided. I hope that's good though, could just mean that I've gotten use to the pain now that my body has decided to ignore it. I'm not sure. Mornings never use to be hard and today was the first day in a long time that I was able to get up without feeling a lot of pain. Either I'm getting better or I'm getting use to the pain...

Edit:Found this image, made me smile. Maybe it'll make you smile also.

Even through the pain, there's still love to be shared. Click and read.





Another heart warming thought....

I've started to notice something.... I don't post what I said I would post, but am just mainly posting things I find interesting or funny/sad/idk.


I'm not ashamed...

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Anyways....



So... yea... I think this is wonderfully beautiful.

So I found something that I can't really share the photo of because of language so I'll just type up what the idea is.

What if all of the scenarios we make up in our head are actually real events happening in alternative universes and we're actually connecting with our alternative self's mind.

This got me thinking, most of my thoughts are decently demented. Normally ending with a few dead or mangled bodies somewhere. So my question is What on earth am I?! Like seriously, what job do I have that I often find myself in situations where it's perfectly acceptable and normal for me to kill a person??? I mean yes, in each situation I or someone near by me is/has been attacked by something/someone and I'm only defending them. BUT SERIOUSLY! When I am scared to death of guns, but I have perfect aim to disable a person. My health is horrible, but I can outrun nearly everyone?!?! The hell! I want that here... instead of this sickly body I have... *whimpers*

Then there's the more "fun" ones... where I am held captive and things happen that shouldn't be discussed on a site like this. May eventually don't know repost this on Redit with a link.


so yea.... Thoughts?

This made me smile, I probably would have glared at first then blushed. <_< Teasing me with food is mean... but I like kisses on the forehead.

May need tissues when watching this. About an old woman who survived the concentration camps as a young child. (It's the good kind of feels.)

Saving this....




Also may be tomorrow updating on my health. Not sure.

Well, an update on my health. The cancer hasn't gone away. I'm unable to do chemo, because of other health issues and it's looking to be that the only option is to go through with surgery. Surgery however will take both of my ovaries. I want to birth my own kids. This has become a hard decision for myself now, I have so many things I want to do, but at the same time I want to share them with a family I've created. I'll be more than happy to adopt if it comes to that, but it's still not the same.

I'm starting to get more and more migraines also lately. Doctor says it may have something to do with the cancer, and the stress that comes with it. Since I've not told many people. My parents still don't know... and I don't know when I'll be able to tell them. I just don't want to make them worry about me, when so many of my other siblings need their help also.

Anyways, if you can just keep me in your prayers that would be lovely. Thank you.

I don't know how I am still holding up.... how am I still mentally pushing through things.

Yesterday, after getting laundry done and getting back home in the evening, everything that could go wrong went wrong.

I found out my English professor died in a hit and run, right outside my apartments. He was crossing the road, at the light and someone slammed into his wheelchair. I hope the bastard gets caught soon. I saw my professor being placed in a body bag as I was coming home. I called a friend of mine up, just so I could talk with someone and hopefully be able to work the shock out as I walked to a friend's place. I did not want to be alone at the moment. Only to find out that one of my best friends is in the hospital for emergency surgery. I don't know for what, just that the doctors keep saying what ever happened happens to some people and it's not hard to fix. So not that bad, thankfully.

TRIGGER WARNING Anger, Rapist attempting to wriggle way into life etc