Forum Thread

doobadoo

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borfday

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empty

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: )

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:0

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wow such empty

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Apologize

I will not apologize for being sad or angry
I will not apologize for being so excited about something I slap you in the leg really hard a few times
I will not apologize for being unable to leave my room because today I just can't be around people
I will not apologize for being unable to function correctly some days
I will not apologize for being needy and begging hugs or comfort
I will not apologize for being unable to shut up about something that I enjoy
I will not apologize for snarky comments and general saltiness
I will not apologize for turning away from friends because some days I need to be alone
I will not apologize for intrusive thoughts
I will not apologize for broadcasting my feelings on social media
I will not apologize for my emotions, whether they are negative or positive, because they make me who I am, and no matter how my life turns, I wouldn't trade me for anything.

And if you can't accept all of that, then you have no place here, because, no matter who I am as a person, I deserve people who love me for all of it, and my time on this planet is too short to deal with those who can't accept me.

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Random Story Time

lol deleted

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:p

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sigh

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hap

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Alright um, let’s see, where to start? I suppose saying



would be a good way. I can’t believe it’s been an entire year since we started talking. Actually, it would be more accurate to say I can’t believe it’s only been a year. I would take a leaf out of Max’s past anniversary post about Reese or something and like, list out why you’re so amazing and why I’m so thankful to have you in my life, but that’s pretty mushy and lovey-dovey and you’re my daughter so it would be kind of weird for me to go on and on about how cute you are and how much I love talking to you, or how beautiful you are with your light skin and all those dang freckles, or that I love talking to you even if we don’t talk much at the moment since we’re both so busy in real life, but that every time I come online and see the palpad lit up and there’s a little notification by your name or how when I’m online for approximately .2 seconds it lights up and there you are, I still get little nervous butterflies cause I can’t believe someone wants to talk to me. Or that the thought of you just waiting for me to come online sends the corners of my lips shooting upwards and I have a big, stupid grin on and my heart does that little stutter thing.

No, I shouldn’t say anything like that.
That would be weird.

Instead, I'm going to take us down memory lane, cause if there's one thing I can do really well, it's reminisce about times past. And to start, I’d like to say that I went all the way back to the beginning of our palpad messages and read through them all to remember those first days. And I want you to know that, since I was afraid you might message me while I was re-reading and the palpad would go all the way back down to your new message, I copy and pasted the entire chat into a word doc and the action crashed my internet browser and Microsoft word, and froze my computer for a good 5 minutes.


”I’m so lucky I found you! My sweet little one, welcome to the family~”

Do you remember how we met?
Of course you do, but for reminiscing and the story’s sake, let’s bring it up again. We met on July 31st, 2015 in a join.me art showing put on by Cows. I don’t remember what was said in that join.me, or why I piqued your interest, but you private messaged me during/after it asking if I was the person in the join.me. I confirmed, and then you suddenly //ran away//. I gave chase, and we’ve been together ever since.

I remember when
We used to laugh
About nothing at all
It was better than going mad

For some reason, our first conversation was about stalking people? You accused me of stalking (though I’m PRETTY sure you were the one doing the stalking) I said heck yeah I stalk people, and you told me you were boring and I shouldn’t bother. And then it took you a whole 1 day of knowing me to send me a picture of yourself (looking back, with my mother instincts and feelings in place now I feel like scolding you for giving a stranger your picture so quickly >:0) and I in turn sent you one of my brother, and then one of myself later that same day. I guess you were the first person on PH to see me, thinking back.

I-oh wow. You sure were depressing in those first few weeks, weren’t you? Still so unsure of yourself and lacking that confidence. Remember when I finally snapped and yelled at you for it? You got all scared and shy and I was just like, “Grow some confidence! You’re amazing and wonderful, stop thinking I’m going to leave you!” and basically bullied you into believing that nothing you said or did was going to scare me off so easily. How do you always put it… I’m like a tumor that you’ll never get rid of no matter how hard you try. A little Eri tumor. Gross.



Hot donuts, you even told me your real name the second day of talking. Oh sugar snap, I shake my disapproving finger at you.
Those first messages though… the flirt was real, eh? Ahaha… interesting… to think about. Interesting that right away I declared myself mom to you too. And that story of how I became your mother- do you remember it?

01/08, 07:51 you were delivered to me by a golden stork after i prayed for 2 weeks straight for a perfect child.

Prince Charming, they call me ;}

Do you remember when you helped me plan my wedding to Cows way back last August, almost another event that happened a full year ago wow! We had bridesmaids and groomsmen and you and I picked out the colors and looked up pictures of dresses and tuxes and bowties and the wedding dress and everyone gathered in Hero Chat and it was a lovely mess to get started, and then Riako did a lovely (terrible) job of marrying us.


”So strong! So fast! You’re growing and getting better every day!”

Did you know that we compared you to a bunny first, and myself to a bird? You were still down and out about yourself (this was before I yelled at you) and said you would just go sit in a hole forever, and I said nests are so much better, I love nests, and you said no, I’d rather sit in a hole, and I said, wow! just like a little bunny! And then like, only 20 messages later I said you were like a tiny bird that must be loved and taken care of, my precious little chickadee, and you screeched back that I was a bunny and bunnies were way cuter than anything else, and then we argued for a long time about who was cuter, haha. And, viola! The nicknames stuck and were so perfect.

You know what else is amazing? The amount of conversations we had of just us screeching at each other in all caps. THERE ARE SO MANY. WHY DID WE ALWAYS YELL AT EACH OTHER. You know what else is amazing? The incredibly LARGE amount of times you PECKED OR BIT ME. “Out of love” my fluffy little cottontail. >:0

We were so young and confused that we didn't know
To laugh or cry

Do you remember all the long chats we had about our personal lives? When you would tell me about your past and your family, and I would comfort you or offer a motivational speech or advice. Or all the times I told you about me? I do. I could never forget something like that. I could never forget that through all my life I never trusted another person to tell my inner thoughts to, before you.



Before you, I always kept those things to myself. When something happened that bothered me, I locked it away, filed it under some tab in some drawer in some cabinet in some office space in some corner of my mind and buried it. Before you I never thought to tell another person those things. Before you I never trusted other as a Secret Keeper. I know you’re scared about being forgotten and me moving on and leaving you and all these incredible memories behind- but you know I could never do that. You hold a very special place in my heart and no one can ever take that away or replace it.

Stay up late and we'd talk all night
In a dark room lit by the TV light

It makes me so upset because you can never see yourself the way I see you. You’ll never see how incredible you are. You’ll never see your talent in art, in people skills, in wittiness. You’ll never believe me when I tell you you’re cute, when I tell you you’re talented, when I tell you I could never forget you. And I don’t know whether you’ll believe me now when I tell you all of it again, or when I tell you that you are so much a part of my life, fully ingrained in my heart and on my thigh, and I wouldn’t trade any moment of our time together for anything, or how I still think about stealing you away and become your real mom and caring for you like you deserve to be cared for, or how lucky I feel, every second of every day, that you took a chance on a complete stranger, and clicked ‘send’ on that private message one year and a day ago.

Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive

You are my light and stars and entire world. You are my beautiful daughter and best friend. You are my rock and the wind beneath my wings and, as corny as it sounds, I know if we were here together in person that your fingers would fit perfectly between mine, and given that chance, I would never let go of your hand. You are my reason to come back to ph, to check all of the websites with instant messaging to be sure I don't miss you, my reason to try and make myself a better person. I look forward to our chats so much, and I miss all the nights where we'd chat for hours about absolutely nothing. And I especially miss all the chats where we would talk about extremely important things- the kind of things that I would have bottled up before you came around. The kind of things that make a person cry and scream and that are so personal you could never tell them to someone else unless you truly trusted them with your life. I still can't believe I leaned on you so much for emotional support in those first few months. I can't believe how quickly you became my everything. I still can't believe a lot of things... Just know that you are the motivation I seek each day to make something of my life. You are my future, my dreams, and my present. You are my hero, little chickadee. Do you remember that conversation?
You are my hero.

Thank you.

Through all the hard times in my life
Those nights kept me alive


”You’ve grown so much since I first found you… Soon you’ll be too big and fly away from me.
Promise me you’ll never forget and that you’ll look back from time to time? I’ll be here, any time you want to come back for a visit. I’ll be here. With a loving smile and a warm hug, I’ll be here.”

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[deleted]

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woo

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:;p

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:l

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:F

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Child vs. Adult



I got to thinking the other day how stupid the word 'mature' is, and its use in the world. In our language, the word mature is often a synonym for being older, wiser, and really, that shouldn't be the case at all. Technically, its definition is only for physical aspects. Mature, meaning physically older, not emotionally, or mentally, but it's often used in that sense. People saying things like, 'you need to grow up and become more mature', and I'll admit I've said the same thing to people, but I realize now, that that's not right at all. Growing up doesn't mean become 'more mature', because anyone of any age can have wisdom and understanding of themselves, of other people, of the world around them. Age doesn't matter in being 'mature'. Sure, people with age can have more life experiences that give them some kind of insight, but that doesn't really make them more 'mature'.

No, after thinking about it for a while, my definition past being 'mature', the better way I'd like to phrase that, is bravery. A person has 'grown-up' when they become brave. Brave enough to own up to their mistakes. Brave enough to apologize when they're wrong. Brave enough to say something. In our world, that bravery is so hard to find. So many 'mature, grown-up' adults don't even have that bravery, and, for me, that just makes me think that they're stuck as being 'children'.

Being brave is so hard. Knowing when you made a mistake is easy, but saying something about it, taking time to go back and to apologize to the other person, it's such a hard thing to do. But when you can do that, when you can steel your fear and your anxiety about showing that vulnerable side of you, that is when you are truly brave. That is when you are truly 'mature'.

Have you ever had a moment of that? When you know you're in the wrong but you're too scared or nervous to go back and say so, so you just let the issue drop and try to forget about it? Don't do that. Own up to it. Next time something like that happens, go back to the other person, admit your failings, tell them, I was wrong, I'm sorry. See how that feels. See how it lifts those feelings of bubbling anger and regret from saying nothing. I guarantee you'll feel much lighter.

Apologizing isn't about the other person. It's not about showing the other person you were wrong, the more vulnerable side of you as you admit it, it's not about that at all. It's about you. It's about admitting to yourself that you were wrong, instead of trying to hold on to some high and might vision. You're human, you're alive, you make mistakes, and that's ok. That's ok. Never be afraid to fail. Never be afraid of failure. Be afraid of not trying. Be afraid of staying silent. Failing and making mistakes are good things, and it's what you do after that that truly defines who you are.

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Max

Where to start? It’s been a whole year since we got together. I can still remember it like it was yesterday. Not exactly a –traditional- way to start dating haha, but look at us now! I can still remember the first first weeks together, when we started playing PMU and got to know each other through game raging and jokes. Our very first skype call when you ended it with an easy ‘I love you’ and my heart actually skipped a beat and I wasn’t sure what to say back because my mind just blanked for a second. I don’t remember dates very well, nor school assignments, and my mind likes to stop working mid-sentence a lot, but when it comes to you, I seem to be able to remember things more clearly.

The way your voice sounds even though we haven’t spoken in a while. It’s low with a soft twang, so easy to listen to for hours. The way your hair falls lightly over your eye, gently parted to the side, like crimson waves. The way your eyes light up when you smile and go off on an excited youtuber rant. The way you look all snuggled up with a pup, showing off your pets for the camera.

I never thought I’d get this far with someone. A whole year-! //laughs// Before you, my longest relationship was barely over a month long. Never thought I’d find someone I was actually interested in enough to stick with it for the long haul. Before you, it was more of a hit it and quit it kind of lifestyle, but now… I’m not sure. Being online with this relationship scares me. You’re my first in so many aspects. My first online relationship, my first relationship that lasted over a month, my first relationship where I was actually interested in the person’s personality instead of just their looks, ayy my first Max too! Lmao, and I guess you can guess some of the other firsts… It's thanks to you that I'm now pan and poly. Never thought about it much, was always cis and all, and then you came along and ran through my romantic thoughts like a freaking tornado. And I can't express in words how thankful I am for that. It's an entire new world of being so open minded and loving everyone and appreciating everyone and there's so much more beauty because of it. Because of you.

But all that- it scares me a little. I’m not an emotional person. I praise logic and numbers and linear solutions, not all this wavy, emotional stuff. I’m in new territory with you and I don’t know all the answers or how to proceed. But,, it’s ok too. I’m scared and worried about screwing up what we have, but I know that you’re worried too haha, so we’ll be worried together! And we’ll pull through together. And we’ll come up with our own answers together. And we’ll be able to do anything and everything, because we’re together.

I don’t know what the future is going to be like. I can plan and think and fantasize about it all I want, but having you in my life changes it all up. I don’t know when it might happen, or even if it will, but, right now, I can easily say that, I want a future where I get to wake up to your face every morning. Where I get to make you breakfast and nag you to eat healthy. Where we game for hours and tease each other and rage at the screen and laugh together. Where we cuddle on the couch for a late night movie and I can kiss your hand, kiss your hair, take in your scent, hold you in my arms, and know that you’re actually there. I want to work towards a future where I have a fantastic job and a big enough house in a place you like so you can live with me and I can help you through school and you won’t have to worry about loans. I want to work towards a future where our house is full of pets of all kinds so there's never a dull moment. I want to work towards a future where I can whisk you off for a travel getaway anywhere in the world. I want to work towards a future full of holidays and taking you to meet my family and having my sister coo over you and my dad making terrible jokes and decorating our house for the seasons and watching your face on Christmas mornings opening presents and making our own costumes for halloween before getting sugar drunk on candy and going to festivals and showing off my hometown and running through your hometown and getting to know your family and going on movie dates or just taking a stroll around town with our hands clasped together and taking silly pictures together and....
I want to work towards a future where I can take care of you and wash away all your worries. I want to work towards a future where I know you’re happy.

And I feel like I’m just ranting now and this is all kind of a jumble without really saying anything aaaahhhh;;
What are you doing to me Max…


Anyways, (as I try and get my mind back on track) Happy anniversary, love ❤
I love you so much and I’m so happy that you gave us a chance a year ago when I decided we were an item haha.

I’m so glad you’re a part of my life and I can’t wait to see what the future holds for us~

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And now, pictures:

Max x Eri

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:p

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