Forum Thread

9/7/15
I'm back to trying to write this diary again except I could find the old diary so here's the new one! :D
Lets see.. Well the shop isnt very busy. -n- But I have been thinking of taking on a job as a spriting teacher with Cynda! :D Maybe she'd want to collab and do a Co-Operation Sprite shop... I wouldnt mind taking on more than one sprite shop! :D

As for the trade shop and the Poetry slam, no one seems interested... maybe I should have an admin close the links..... :( I dunno yet...

I really have nothing keeping me busy on the weekends since I'm still in school IRL and having easy classes means literally no hw.... I guess spriting really is my sanity as of late.. -.-

Anyways... I had a good walk down memory road today.... reminded me why I'm still here on PH..
If it wasnt for Cony introducing me to spriting I probably would have quit the site by now.....
I'm really happy that I got to join Cyndas school, there's more class options plus the teaching seems to fit me well.

Maybe I should try to inspire more people to join Violet & Vulcan's. :3

For now I'll just message Cynda and see where that goes. :P

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9/13/15
Broke Up with him thursday and I'm hurting... So to get my mind of it I started spriting absent-mindedly and came up with a fire type Gijinka of my trainer sprite:


Now I'm stuck watching Naruto Shippuden.... I wouldnt complain but I'm not caught up yet D:

Goodness I'm tired......

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9/13/15
Working on my art and animation Skillz >u<
Also Talking to a guy friend.... kinda... idk.... guys are weird...
But here's what I've made so far:

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9/15/15
My ex is talking smack about me to his new girl... How do I know? I'M A LIKABLE PERSON WHO HAS LOYAL FRIENDS.
Anyways my day has been kinda sucky.... Got to see bestie <>
Got to eat a brownie and cookies
Nothing out of the ordinary...
Found this on tumblr

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9/17/15
Trying to get my stuff together, I worked on my Odyssey recovery class for a bit, updated my calendar, browsed thru 'skyward' then made a list of things to do, things to get or stuff to remember
I'm so tired right now but I need to start working.... I need to hurry and get my stuff started...
Then there's the drama at school... and homecoming... I am so stressed out maybe I need to go out and just have a little fun and relax... I dunno
I dont come on PH as enthusiastically cuz no one has been visiting my forums a lot.... I honestly thought the Poetry Slam would be a hit but I guess not... and even the trade shop is dying...
....gnite its like midnight so ya....

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For later reference:
Plain PokeCard:

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9/20/15
Piercey is a friend of mine, he's a bit of a jerk but he has a good heart and he'd help a friend in need. He likes me...
Josh is my friend Akuroku's buddy growing up plus they live very close. I kinda just got to know him but he's such a cutie and sweetheart. He likes me too...

Piercey just found out that I'm going to homecoming with Josh, and is mad at me.... we fought/ debated my choice and I brought up how he even mentioned 'he's not ready to date' plus none of my friends or family like him in the slightest, (Even Josh doesnt like him.)

I feel bad but I kinda dont.... I mean Piercey has had so many chances to do something, even before my family and friends didnt like him they had chances....

Josh is so sweet and straight forward, he's so hard working and he's kept my smiling every time I'm around him and it's like really nice ya know? I dont regret saying yes to him because he hasnt tried to string me along for almost a year.

I'm not used to two guys liking me.... and so soon after 'him' Triston ....

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9/23/15
I just got the crap beat outta me...
My sister and mom were fighting, and I was tired of hearing them so I decided to intervene my sister, I tried to stop her from instigating Mom like she always does and at first it started working then she threatened to throw the snake out... she got into the corner between the snake and the wall so when I went to kinda grab her out I got punched repeatedly.... I dropped her to the floor to stop her then she pulled me down and went nuts on my left arm.... which I fell on earlier today.... Lets say I can hardly move my arm right now.... I dunno what to do... mom is in shock and cort is playing off like it never happened... My body hurts.... All I wanted to do was stop the fighting.... I cant take it anymore.... I feel useless cause I cant do anything... I just wanna get out of here and start a better life....

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9/24/15
I'm starting to think I'm possibly bi...
I cant tell anyone.... my mom is catholic
and my sis hears everything that does down at school...
*Internal Conflict* Maybe I'm just Bi-curious.... i dunno... :/

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9/27/15
Turns out I'm NOT Gay... 0_0 Dont ask.....
And Josh is 'guano' crazy....

I dont know how to feel.... I still really like Piercey.... I've liked him since last year.... We starting talking last year at the beginning of september.... Time flies...

So much stuff has happened but I doubt he'd ever stick with me....
Plus I'm too much of a territorial brat....

Anyways I have to start applying for scholarships and financial aid soon so I have a chance to go to Santa Fe.... I'm excited but ..... Writing.... Homework.... Work.... RESPONSIBILITY....

I just wanna cry and be cuddled....

I miss the days when Pierce would come over and we'd watch funny videos like the turrets guy and the abridged animes.... we'd talk... he'd tell me about his art... or Comics (Lol Batman...). He'd say he hates his weight and how he'd be ripped if he wasnt lazy... I loved how he would cuddle me and I'd be facing away from him so he wouldnt see my blushing mess of a face and I'd just stay like that until I pass out in his arms....

I just wish I wasn't so afraid to lose him.... I think he doesn't wanna date me because he thinks the same thing... Maybe its for the best.... but so much has changed and now He has Melissa stalking him and he spends all his time with Melissa and the Jamie/James couple....

Ugghhghhghg why do I have feelings?


Anyways... I'm definitely not gay and I'm in a tough spot...


Maybe He only sees me as a friend... maybe there's nothing I can do....

9/28/15
So my friend Cody came over wearing a suit ...
Me: ''Whats the occasion dude?''
Cody: ''I am gonna ask my GF to Homecoming''
Me: ''Awww'' / James:'' GAYYYYYYY'' (Not in a mean way)
*I look at James* Me: ''Are you going to homecoming?''
James:''No?''
Me: ''Do you want to?'' *Straining to keep a straight face without blushing*
James:'' Sure''
*Cody is listening to us * Cody: ''Smooth haha''

So I have a date to homecoming with my ex, and he's picking me up.... >//u//<

Broke off from Josh and Pierce is not sitting near me anymore so I dunno whats his deal....

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9/30/15
Eating bean dip with nachos since my sister is taking so long with dinner
Also: (Ref)for order

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Made new gym cards
Need to put a Link here so I wont misplace them.
Also here they are if I lose them:

10/29/15
No One would care If I said I'm mentally unbalanced..
No One would care if I mentioned I have on and off bouts of depression and loneliness..
I hate that young girls and guys treat these things like they are excuses to throw at people to make up for some stupid inability..
I hate that most adults put these things off as laziness or simple excuses..
I've had times where No one would know that I'm literally dying on the inside but I would still bust my bum to work hard and achieve my goals..
Even today.. I put on a cheery facade, greeted my peers and tried to make others days' brighter so that maybe today wouldn't be a total waste for myself.

My once close 'friends' from last year barely speak to me, even if they do most complain about how bad their lives are or the like... and the few I have now are either distancing themselves or are just too busy..
Most guys in my life only like me for my appearance and want 'something' from me.. or are just buttwholes who dont mind my company but would talk smack about me in a heartbeart.

I messed up last year by allowing myself to fail... and even more so to give up... but now I see why... I have no passion... I have no car or job or income.... I'm broke... and I'm severly unlucky.. It'll be a miracle if I'm able to bring my GPA back to 3.0.... it's at a 2.6.... 4 whole points and even the guidance counselor had doubts about this...
How am I gonna be able to tell mom ''Oh sorry I cant go to college, cuz the scholarships that would have paid for it require a 3.0 which I just barely missed.''?

Not only that but I am a big girl, I have a crazy large... um chest and I have back problems occassionally so bending and such hurt sometimes.. sure I try to eat healthy and excersize but the pain is still there. My sister is a lazy 'punk' 15 yr old who is quite.... well she's not stupid but she is incredibly Ignorant towards most things. We have a small house and pets... having to clean is supposed to be shared but If at all I end up doing the majority because Mom ''works all the time'' (or at least thats Mom's excuse for not knowing half the shit that goes on in my and my sister's lives as well as not cleaning sometimes.)

So along with the depression, I have high school/college, and chores to worry about. That might not seem like a lot but if you get home at 3 and ur cleaning til 5, trying to make sense of a stupid job/college application or drivers ed handbook til 6 and you're still try to go for an hour run til 7 You get pretty dang tired... especially when u have to study for a wonderful test the night before as well as eat..

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11/5/15
Tomorrow is Mom's Bday..
I got nothing.... I may stay home so that she wont be alone, plus I kinda dont wanna be alone...
Since Dumping Triston I was hurt at first and kinda lonely because it felt like ''Oh wow, he really didnt care...'' and that realization period stung but its kinda gone at this point...
Now seeing so maybe of my friends engaged, taken, pregnant, married, etc .... It's like wat the heck? They're going thru the same period in they're life as I am but they are not alone in the endeavour... No I'm not saying I miss Triston cause I REALLY dont (in fact I'm happy I'm not with him, he's too immature and he really isnt that great...) I just kinda want a slow but loving relationship. I want someone who'd really care for me.. loyal, and such... Who at least would try to go out of their way to be around me... and really show they care once in a while... Nothing clingy... I hate that but someone I could really fall head over heels for and trust...
I dunno maybe its me... I'm not a trusting person...
I know D.V. might want to build something with me but How do I know if I should trust him again? He could go on and on about slowing building our friendship up to a relationship and something else but... How do I know he wont get bored... How do I know if I'm wasting my time or if I should even get my hopes up or not? I hate going solo but I dont wanna be alone.... I dont want girls to think I'm desperate... I'm not... I just... I wanna be me but I wanna be someone that a guy could love and spend our lives together... I wonder if I'll ever be the kind of person that a guy would spend his life with.... I wanna be a better person so that I won't end up alone....
I wasted so much time in hopes that maybe some guy might like me..
I'm so afraid that I might end up alone and like my mom.... Dont get me wrong Mom is great but she's been hurt so much and so badly that she's vowed to go solo... I've seen the pain she went thru... I see her invisible scars as well as the visible one... I've seen her pain.... I notice how happy couples are... I want that. I want a partner to be with me so we can make our lives together happy and fun and Worth the ride...

Growing up with just my mom and my sister... it's been so tough, we dont make a lot of money we have to bust our asses to stay afloat.... We've been scr*wed over by our own family on more than one occasion...
I want to go college, make something of my life... and make it better. I wanna be useful, I want to be happy, and I want the ''American Dream''.
I just dont want to do it alone... I dont wanna feel alone anyways...

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