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Filip's diary.
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Posted: Sat, 13/06/2015 18:27 (9 Years ago)
First I want to write few things about me beacuse I don't want to forget them:
My name is Filip (or Philip). I'm 15 years old from Poland. I'm mean, rude, ugly and awful (just the worst guy you ever met). I'm really closed in myself and I can hide my feelings. Oh, and I have depression and I cut myself. I love very dark places, and I'm kinda scared of people (even more scared to talk with them), but I like meeting new people, and I like talking with everyone, but I just prefer to talk in the night.
Okay, I think that's all I want to remember xD
I will start writing normally tomorrow (14.06), and I will make a new post here everyday after Wonder Trade.
Oh, and please, don't post anything here, it's my diary, and I don't want anyone to comment anything here.
Oh, and if you want to talk with me about something, just PM or PalPad me, I will try my best to help uwu
(also you can add me on:
Skype - ginexpl
Kik - KingOfBakas
Flight Rising - Filip666
just saying~)
Posted: Sat, 13/06/2015 21:43 (9 Years ago)
my every post will start similiar to this one~
13.06.2015, Saturday, 11:24pm
Around 1am I cut myself.. first time I heard how razor blade is cutting my skin, there was more blood than always, and I just started being scared and I started crying.. also I barely felt my arm xD I wrote to one of my best friends, beacuse I wanted her to help me, but.. I felt like she was really mad at me (I felt like whole universe is mad at me and wants to hurt me beacuse I cut), so I wrote to my Twin, but it was that same.. so I just continued crying and I fell asleep. I think it was worst Friday's night in my life .w.
I woke up after 11am, but I got up from bed after 1pm. I was trying to talk with my Twin, but it was kinda hard for me, so I just said that I have to go and I went to my mom's work. When I came to her, she.. saw my cuts. I had to promise her that I won't do that again, so I just promised it. But I'm really scared beacuse I know I will break that promise soon..
Later I came to home, and then to my teacher's house. It was some time after 4:30pm. Me, my teacher, and few people from my school's project went somewhere. It was cool place, far away from humans, and there were a lot of flowers and few paintings. Paintings were boring, so I just started walking everywhere xD I found a place where I could sit and be alone, so I just sat on the table, and again looked at messages from my Twin's sister. I started crying again, and I still can't believe in this what she told me.. I think she was just lying, but still.. I want to believe in it, but I just can't.. Later I calmed down and went back to teacher. She said that we have to go back now, so we just came back xD It was after 6:30pm.
Later.. I don't remember. I just know that I'm here and writing my diary, so.. ya xD
That was all I remember from today, and first time I remember that much .w. I hope it will help me a bit with my memory xD so.. Bye for now~ uwu/
Posted: Mon, 15/06/2015 00:05 (9 Years ago)
Ya, so..
At like 2pm I started talking with my other Best Friend. It was funny xD After 4am I fell asleep uwu
I woke up at 2pm. Like always, I took a shower, ate breakfast, and started playing on pc. In meantie I was talking with my Twin. It was.. complicated conversation.. I still can't believe in that I'm making her smile. It's... impossible.
At like 11pm I started doing my homework xD but I was too lazy so I just turned off pc and went to bed.
Now is almost 2am. My Twin just told me something.. well.. it's normal, but it hurts. More than every cut or bad thing I ever did to myself. But well.. I should be ready on it.. but ya, everything will be fine as long as she will be happy. Only she and her happines is important, not my feelings.
On.. another note.. I really want to cut myself again.. everything I want is just one person telling me one, important for me thing..
So ya, I don't remember more, and I just started crying, so.. Good night xD
Posted: Tue, 16/06/2015 01:24 (9 Years ago)
Ya, today was Mondayyy <\3 I hate Mondays </3
After that 2am.. I just overreacted. I felt bad beacuse of that. And my Twin told me few things, and.. I hope she will forgive me it in the future.
I came to home earlier beacuse I felt bad in school. In school I called to my mom and she told my brother to come and get me from school. When I came to home, I was listening to "Creepy pasta's" or something like that xD and I ate lunch. After it I went to sleep. I woke up after 9pm, and I started doing homework after 11pm. I ended hour later. I felt really awful, beacuse I wasn't feeling anything, any feeling.. I just wanted to cut myself again.
Later I was talking with one of my best friends. I tried that "RolePlay" xD it was scary, but now I think it's fun uwu Now I'm going to sleep xD it's 3:25am so.. Good night uwu
Posted: Tue, 16/06/2015 22:56 (9 Years ago)
First, I want me to remember one question- Would it matter if I died? (Answer is "No, it wouldn't")
Like always, I woke up after 7am and stuff xD I almost went too late to school, but ya, almost xD
Today I don't remember so much..
When I came back from school, I just fell asleep. I woke up after.. 6pm I guess xD After 8pm I went to new psychiatrist. I hate her but whatever xD I have to take new medicines and I have to go there after 2 weeks.
And now.. I'm here. I don't remember more.
So ya.. Bye xD (
Posted: Wed, 17/06/2015 22:37 (9 Years ago)
Today.. in the morning I was almost vomiting and my tummy was hurting a bit xD so I didn't go to school <3
I was sleeping to 1pm xD Later I was just playing and watching videos on Youtube uwu
Um.. Ya, that's.. all o.o
And now I'm kinda scared beacuse of these hallucinations.. sometimes they are literally next to me or behind me.. and I'm kinda stressed beacuse tomorrow is that project's day in my school .w.
So it was everything xD today I want to go to sleep earlier, so.. Good night uwu
Posted: Thu, 18/06/2015 23:10 (9 Years ago)
Okay, so..
I had weird dream .w. She said she is in love with other guy </3
Morning was normal xD
In school.. projects were boring uwu but before my I became little stressed .w. but it was fine xD
After projrects next lesson was normal.. but after it I started feeling bad .w. My stupid tummy was hurting a little bit, I didn't know what was happening, and hallucinations.. I didn't know what was real and what was just hallucination.
And.. they want to kill me :'3 I never thought I will have to hide from them.
When I came to home, I got my new medicine on depression, and I just felt even worse, and I couldn't control my body, so I went to sleep. I was sleeping like 3 hours xD
When I woke up I was just playing on pc uwu
Now is night, 1am.. moment ago I got Blue Orb from Mystery box xD
So, that's all I remember, and I will go to sleep soon, so.. Good night xD
Posted: Fri, 19/06/2015 09:02 (9 Years ago)
Friday <3
So xD I didn't went to school <3 and I had Best Dream Ever *o*
In this dream I was in Kye's home *^* with her *w* awe it was just awesome <3
Ya, I will end it later.
I'm writing it nowwww xD
In the morning I didn't had any dream again </3 so I just got up, and.. I had normal morning xD
Later I was just playing on pc.. Oh and I got new Shiny <3 it's Shiny Furfrou and I named him "AngelsKiller" <3 later I went outside, but I got bored after hour, so I came back to home and I was watching anime xD I ended watching Kiss x Sis ® </3 and I started watching Free!® uwu Omg their bodies are so sexy o.o I think I will like this anime ouo
Now is 1:30am, and.. I will go to sleep in like 5 hours xD and like every Friday; I will sleep naked uwu
So.. that's all for now xD Bye uwu/
Posted: Sat, 20/06/2015 22:21 (9 Years ago)
Well.. I don't remember anything from today..
Posted: Sun, 21/06/2015 21:47 (9 Years ago)
I don't remember anything again..
But now I feel bad, I was almost vomiting some time ago beacuse of stupid medicine, so.. Good night xD
Posted: Mon, 22/06/2015 17:50 (9 Years ago)
So today..
I woke up early, and I didn't came to school late o.o But I felt bad whole day </3 I still feel like that, plus I'm tired beacuse of that medicine I took yesterday.
I didn't had lessons in school, we were just sitting and talking, but some of us went helping, so I went help them later xD
Um.. when I came from school, I was playing a bit and I ate dinner. But I still felt really bad, so I went to sleep xD
Today I'm writing it earlier, beacuse I will go to sleep now xD So ya.. see ya uwu
Posted: Wed, 24/06/2015 07:37 (9 Years ago)
So.. I wasn't sleeping whole night .w. I fell asleep after 6am, but I was sleeping only 3-4 hours.
Um.. Later I still was trying to fall asleep, but I just couldn't. I was tired whole day </3
And.. um.. that's all I remember, so.. See ya~
Posted: Wed, 24/06/2015 23:21 (9 Years ago)
Hm.. Like always, normal morning, after it I went to school, and.. on 2nd lesson (Geo) we went to other class o.o whole middle school was there o.o and teachers were yelling at me to sit near people </3 I get so f*ing scared and stressed, so I asked if I can go out to the toilet, but I went outside to calm down. Few minutes later one teacher came to me, and I called to my mom from that teacher's phone. When she came, I told her how I feel and we came to home. I fell asleep, and she went back to work. I was sleeping like.. 4 hours? When I woke up, I just started playing on pc xD
I was playing till 11pm .w. Wow xD but from 10pm to 11pm I was just drawing (I will show that drawing here when I end it).
Tomorrow is last day of school <3 Finally <33333 But I'm stressed a bit.. .w.
Um.. that's all for today.. Good night~ uwu
Posted: Thu, 25/06/2015 23:58 (9 Years ago)
Today my school ended <3 Finally <33
Ya, when I came back to home, I fell asleep xD Later I was just playing, and I went outside uwu
So.. it was my whole day .w.
Good night~
Posted: Sat, 27/06/2015 00:42 (9 Years ago)
First free Friday <3 I was sleeping to 1pm xD
I didn't eat breakfast <3 I didn't eat anything today xD Later I went to my mom's work and my mom gave me chocolate hearts <3 they were so yummy <3
Later I went outside xD And I bought a icecream and God's drink for me <3
Ya, that day was nice uwu
I still want to cut tho. I was doing it like every Friday, in the night, but.. I promised I won't.. it's really hard tho. But I will try to don't cut uwu I'm strong enough
And that's all I remember xD so.. see ya uwu
Posted: Sat, 27/06/2015 22:26 (9 Years ago)
Really? it's Saturday today? o.o
Well.. I literally don't remember anything, so..
See ya~
Posted: Sun, 28/06/2015 22:18 (9 Years ago)
Um.. it was some time after 1am.. I wrote to that person on Kik beacuse I don't wanted to be alone.. and we became friends xD her name is Nono uwu but I feel.. weird .w. a lot of popular and famous people are or were my friends (like Lighty_Luna, Char_The_Kawaii_Banana, Dude, Iskandar, Rini, MrMostacho..) .w. when I'm.. nobody xD just nothing, a single idiot from Poland .w. but meh xD I love these people uwu
Um.. I woke up at 11am, and I couldn't fall asleep, so I just got up at 1pm and had normal morning xD After shower I fell asleep for like 40 minutes uwu
Ya, and yesterday I decided to train every day at 11pm uwu I want to stop being fat xD
and my dad will come back in this Friday <3 and I will do that Sprite and Banana Challenge xD
and.. uh.. I feel worse with every day.. I just know I will cut soon.. but wow, I wasn't doing it very long time o.o heh, gj for me xD
Ohh and my friend told me today that he was at the beach and he saw some hot girls owo and he said I must go with him tomorrow xD Ya, I will go, I want to get used to new people, and I want to help him get Girlfriend uwu
So.. that's all xD See ya uwu
Posted: Tue, 30/06/2015 00:29 (9 Years ago)
Meh.. just normal day xD Bad day .w.
but-it's 30.06 now xD and omg Mika and Eryani just made me very happy <3 I wasn"t feeling it for a very long time.. thanks a lot to them <3
Uh.. well, see ya xD
Posted: Thu, 02/07/2015 23:22 (9 Years ago)
Umm.. ya, I had few worse days.. and.. now I don't remember anything.. so I won't write here everyday, just.. sometimes.
Also.. I want to meet someone new.. it's always fun xD (you can add me on PH or Kik [KingOfBakas] if you want to talk to me :'3)
And my dad came today <3
Um.. that's all.. see ya~
Posted: Sun, 02/08/2015 01:11 (9 Years ago)
I decided to write something..
Meh.. I remember less and less.. I don't even remember my day..
Atm I feel.. very depressed.. like every night when I'm all alone.. I want to cut souch, but I'm still trying to don't..
Also.. people are giving me these Sky Gifts.. say that I'm awesome person.. but it never helps when I'm like now..
Uh.. that's all for now..
I want to say sorry to myself if I will cut tonight..