Forum Thread

I fell in love with you for all the wrong reasons without really knowing you. Your dark thoughts were beautiful and being the lonely child I was it was a world of distraction from reality from all the wrongs in mine. When I decided I wanted you I don't remember....but I fought with every demon you presented died and came back to fight again each time. So when the victory came...when you finally said be mine I knew it wasn't because you liked me. You were just lonely and sad. I was only lieing to myself about the demon being dead, was just sleeping.

I loved you and called you soulmate. I told you it so many times....even when that loved turned to hate I stayed. And then one day another loss in hand, I just walked away. I should have took the defeat and never turned back but I did because I still had hope that you could rise and fight the demon to. We would win together and have that happy ever after we kept dreaming about.

But you werent the same...and I lied to myself again. Fool that I I am. I tried to protect myself by saying just be friends. To much has been shared between us and yet so much was never said. That last time when I hung up the phone mad again over a silly thing I knew it was the end. And after a time I came to realize that I have never really been fighting the demon just feeding it and letting it grow.

As I reflect on those years I have spent with you; I don't think I will ever really know where my feelings lie. Did I truly love you like I swore I did? or was I just lonely to. To many shields have been put up and broken I can't see beyond the shattered pieces.

I don't regret the time I spent with you but at the same time I wonder what you could have been. If I hadn't been there would you have went to college and married some local girl, been that dad you secretly wanted to be even though I said kids werent for me? Would you still be sad lonely and full of hate...talking to voices in your head? I will always carry the sins of the wounds I have given you because I couldnt properly love you unconditionally or say the right things...for getting mad at things you couldnt change.

A part of me will always hate you though for all the lies, for not fighting, for not believing, for changing yourself from your lack of self control....for all those times you couldnt take my loneliness away. In the end you couldn't even be my friend. Yet despite it all...I still miss you. I still miss your voice, your laugh, your stupid jokes, your trolling and riling me up. I still worry and get scared for you. I still want to be a fool for you...carry those happy ever after dreams...I want to go back to those days that I could easily say I love you and mean it.

I am stuck. I don't want to get to know people or become close to anyone. Still I can and I do...Its hardest and easiest thing to do... to hang out and chat and be friends.
And that is why the loneliness never goes away. That connection I had with you never goes away. Thoughts of you never go away.

That spot you have filled for so damn long will never go away. Our story will forever be unfinished...there is no The End. I still want you here no matter what our relationship is.

Still despite these haunting feelings I move forward... and am finding lulls of happy moments. I hope you are finding them to...
-Me selfish to the end.